This is a phrase I often use when someone describes a decision or conclusion I don’t agree with. It allows me to set the tone I’m looking for to go forward. This could be a conversation with a peer, with someone on my team, or with my manager.
This great little phrase helps me disarm a contrarian dynamic that could easily arise in disagreement, and transform it into a productive one with the goal of learning. It also resurfaces a hidden assumption of rationality. That by using facts and reason, we should either agree or find the atomic fact, value, or belief we don’t share.
“What am I missing” is one phrase to go from “this is why you’re wrong” to “this is why I can’t see that you’re right”. And while not pissing off the other party is great for the conversation, the biggest gains come from creating the setting for myself to remember that I converse to learn, and not to win.
Letting your mind follow your actions, is a great hack. Your words can shape your intention just as much as the other way around.
-Nivge